Feminism, Salary Disparity, and Raising a Girl

When I talk about feminism, I’m not talking about slogans or theory.

For me, feminism is simple — and complicated at the same time.

It’s about being seen first as a human being. About having the right to think, plan, behave, choose, and live without having to adhere to the oldest ideas of how a woman should be.

It’s about being seen beyond roles.

Beyond “the sweet one.”

Beyond “the mom.”

Beyond what society decided was acceptable a long time ago.

I didn’t always see it this way.

What I Used to Believe

In my early twenties, I believed that effort led to fairness.

I believed that if I studied hard, worked hard, and followed the rules, things would make sense. That transparency was part of the deal. That if you were qualified, the system would meet you halfway.

What no one prepared me for was how much power lives in what is not said.

No one tells you clearly how much you’ll make.

No one explains where the real decisions happen.

No one teaches you how much of your career will be shaped outside official meetings.

And for women, that silence isn’t neutral.

The Things You’re Quietly Excluded From

I’ve been in the same position as men, with the same responsibilities — and watched them be invited into spaces I wasn’t.

Strip clubs with bosses.

“Guys’ nights.”

Social outings where work conversations happened casually, off the record.

As women, we were never invited. And no one ever said it out loud.

Then you walk into a meeting and realize decisions have already been framed somewhere you weren’t allowed to be. You’re taken by surprise — not because you’re unprepared, but because you were excluded.

This is how inequality often works.

Not through policy.

Through access.

Salary Disparity Isn’t Abstract — It’s Daily Life

Salary disparity exists everywhere. In every country. In every system.

And it doesn’t just show up on paper — it shows up at home.

In our household, my partner and I are equals. We make decisions together. There is no resentment there.

But the math still exists.

If our daughter is sick, my job is considered less “important” because I earn less. Not because anyone says it harshly — but because the system quietly makes that the logical choice.

And that reality shapes who adjusts.

Who stays home.

Who uses vacation days.

Who carries the interruption.

I don’t resent my partner.

I resent a system that makes this outcome predictable.

The Guilt That Sneaks In Anyway

Even when decisions are shared, guilt shows up.

Not because someone puts it there — but because we’ve been trained to carry it.

The guilt of not doing it all.

The guilt of adjusting.

The guilt of feeling like your work matters less because it’s paid less.

This isn’t personal failure.

It’s conditioning.

And motherhood makes that conditioning louder.

How Motherhood Changed Everything

Before I became a mother, I could push more. Give more. Bend more.

Now, every decision has weight.

Not just because I’m tired — but because I’m aware. I see the system more clearly. I see how ambition, sacrifice, and pay are not distributed evenly.

Motherhood didn’t kill my ambition.

It forced me to redefine it.

Raising a Girl Makes It Impossible to Look Away

Raising a daughter turns all of this into responsibility.

I think about what she will see.

What she will absorb without words.

I want her to see a mother who works — and rests without guilt.

A mother who prioritizes family without apologizing.

A mother who knows her worth isn’t measured by how much she sacrifices.

I don’t want her to believe she has to earn exhaustion to be valuable.

I want her to see that success can be defined on her terms — not inherited from a system that was never built with her in mind.

Living Inside the Contradictions

I believe in equality.

I believe in ambition.

I also believe in stepping back when the cost is too high.

I believe women should be paid fairly.

I also live in a world where they often aren’t.

I believe motherhood is powerful.

I also see how it’s used to justify inequality.

All of these things can be true at the same time.

That doesn’t make feminism weak.

It makes it honest.

What Makes Me Angry — and Why I Still Hope

I’m angry at systems that pretend neutrality while benefiting from inequality.

I’m angry at the silence around money.

I’m angry that women are still expected to adjust quietly.

But I’m also realistic.

Change is slow. Painfully slow. Sometimes generational.

What keeps me going isn’t the promise that everything will be fair — it’s the belief that clarity matters. That naming these things matters. That raising a girl with awareness matters.

That choosing humanity over performance matters.

That, to me, is feminism too.

If this reflection resonated with you, my book explores motherhood, identity, and the quiet choices women make every day.

You can find it here:

https://caffeinatedcapable.gumroad.com/l/ujkdn

Thank you for reading.

— Fabi